The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

The Surprising Reality of How Teenage Girls Still Define Themselves

At a youth center in Carmarthen, Wales, a vibrant group of girls gathered in a private room, their energy palpable despite the playful warning on the door: “GIRLS ONLY,” “Boy’s don’t Enter!” [sic], and a cheeky addition, “Don’t worry boys!” The sign, adorned with hearts and stars, hinted at the blend of defiance and camaraderie in their interactions. As I entered, they were immersed in a competitive card game, their laughter and chatter forming a warm backdrop to the evening.

Voices of the Youth

This visit was part of my Radio 4 series, About The Girls, which involved conversations with approximately 150 young women, most aged between 13 and 17. The discussions at that table mirrored many of the themes emerging from those interviews. Their perspectives were sharp, witty, and full of ambition, with aspirations ranging from “having a fridge that can hold a vase” to becoming doctors. Friendships were central, with one girl noting, “I can tell her anything,” and a sense of duty toward family was evident, as another shared, “I go to town to top up my Nan’s electric. I love looking after her.”

“Well boys think/say/want/feel…”

When I posed the question, “What is it really like to be a girl in 2025/26? Tell me the truth, don’t be polite!” the responses consistently began with the lens of male perception. One girl explained, “Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating.” This pattern echoed across interviews, revealing a persistent dynamic where girls frame their identities through the eyes of boys, even as they acknowledge this tendency.

Context and Reflection

This project followed my earlier series, About The Boys, which explored teenage males across the UK. Against the backdrop of the pandemic, the #MeToo movement, and debates surrounding Andrew Tate, I sought to understand how girls perceive themselves. The girls I met were thoughtful, articulate, and unafraid to share their views. The irony was that, while they spoke freely, their behavior often shifted when boys were present. They described avoiding being seen as “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird,” aiming instead to be smaller, quieter, and more palatable.

Psychological Insights

Alison Harbor, the youth center manager, observed the girls’ openness with delight. “The boys at the club are quite vocal and confident in sharing their opinions,” she remarked, “but today, the girls have been the same! My worry is that they usually internalise a lot of their troubles…” Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at the Manchester Institute of Education, has explored similar themes in her research. She noted, “There is certainly a pressure we heard from young women around that—really translating into they need to be polite and respectful, and that they feel the behavior expectations on them were…”

Interestingly, the release of the Epstein files coincided with my journey to Carmarthen, adding urgency to the project. The conversations underscored how girls, despite their own ambitions and awareness, often measure themselves against the standards boys set—whether in school, social media, or everyday interactions. This self-perception, shaped by external validation, remains a defining characteristic of their identity, even in an era of heightened awareness about gender roles.