What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
What Not to Say to a Friend Battling Fertility Challenges
Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old from Belfast, recalls the emotional strain of her third miscarriage. The following day, she returned to her job as a receptionist, only to face remarks from colleagues that felt especially harsh. A female manager noted her miscarriage occurred early, implying it was less significant, while a male manager criticized her appearance, suggesting she wasn’t fit for the role. “I was in shock,” Vicky says, eventually resigning after her next shift.
Friends and family often mean well but deliver comments that sting. Vicky, who began trying for a baby in 2020, has heard phrases like “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope.” “They’re trying to comfort me,” she explains, “but at the time, it felt like a dismissal of my pain.”
Unintended Remarks in Fertility Conversations
Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared similar sentiments during an episode of Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life. She described how even close acquaintances could unintentionally hurt. “Someone told me, ‘a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,'” she remembers. According to the NHS, roughly one in seven couples face difficulties in conceiving, with over 50,000 UK patients undergoing IVF treatments in 2023.
Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on the NHS IVF waiting list, admits she initially avoided discussing her struggles. “There’s a feeling of shame,” she says, adding that the body’s natural ability to conceive can make one feel like a failure. Asiya Dawood, 42, from West London, highlights how South Asian communities often place pressure on women. “You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” she says, noting relatives frequently blame wives for career focus or delaying marriage.
Support Systems and Emotional Impact
Infertility can be a delicate topic, says Joyce Harper, a reproductive science professor at University College London. “The treatment is a roller coaster,” she explains, citing moments like missed periods or embryo transfers that intensify emotional challenges. Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, emphasizes that support doesn’t always come from expected sources. “Your IVF team might differ from your usual circle of friends,” she notes, urging individuals to seek professional guidance.
Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, offers a contrasting view. Her friends and family provided consistent encouragement, bringing food, flowers, and vouchers for rest. “Incredible” support, she calls it, including heartfelt gestures like Mother’s Day flowers from her parents and husband. Small acts, she says, can carry more weight than grand gestures.
Reframing Conversations Around Fertility
Experts advise tailoring support to the individual’s needs. “Friends and family should ask what kind of help is required,” says one psychologist. Random check-ins, appointment reminders, and learning about treatments can signal empathy, according to Chloe. Yet, even well-intentioned words can feel dismissive when someone is navigating the emotional turbulence of infertility. “It’s not just about the big gestures,” Elena adds, highlighting the importance of understanding the personal journey.
